Grammy Winners... Whatever...

"At least some of the nominees were relevant this year..." I'm still trying to take solace in that. Anyways, here's a list of winners (of somewhat relevant awards) accompanied with my whiny, bitter, misplaced-hate responses to them.

- Record of the Year: "Please Read the Letter" - Robert Plant/Allison Kraus
Not sure when this was handed out, but pretty sure anyone who heard the song was already in bed. Or never existed. Or is unclear what this whole "music" thing is. Should've gone to M.I.A. for "Paper Planes." Although that shouldn't have even been nominated since it was released in 2007. Actually, I don't really know the rules. So I'll say it... the recording academy is racist. Or their lawyers couldn't get "winner gives birth on stage" insurance in time. Regardless, it's a damn shame.

- Song of the Year: "Viva La Vida" - Coldplay
This was the least terrible song (seriously... "Love Song" was nominated), so it was the right choice. Not sure how they could pick 5 mediocre-to-terrible songs for Song of the Year. Somebody sucks at their job.

- Best New Artists: Adele
Seems reasonable. Don't know much about her except that she's really young. Not sure how the JoBros got passed up. You never say "no" to a Promise Ring.

- Best Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Chasing Pavement" - Adele
Well now this isn't fair at all. Why does this chick gets two awards? Isn't it already past her bedtime? "Bleeding Love" should've won because it sooooo powerful. And moving. And stuff. But seriously, Leona Lewis will fuck your shit up, Academy. You made a BIG mistake.

- Best Male Pop Vocal Performance: "Say" - John Mayer
Shoot me in the goddam face. I get it. He's talented. He has tatoos. He's tall. And apparently he's funny. He's also an insufferable tool that's somehow nominated in like eighty gajillion different categories. "What's that? 'Room For Squares' has retroactively won a Best World Music Album?" I hate the Academy. Sorry Ne-Yo, you should've won for "Closer."

- Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals: "Rich Woman" - Robert Plant & Allison Kraus
I'd love for someone to read the definition of "Pop" to me. Because when I hear the names Robert Plant and Allison Kraus... "pop" isn't the first thing that comes to mind. It's also SO WEIRD that they're the only ones in the category that you WOULDN'T think was pop, and SOMEHOW... they won the Grammy. I hate old people. (C-Breezy and Jordin Sparks got robbed for "No Air")

- Best Pop Vocal Album: Rockferry - Duffy
... in which 75% of his/her (I don't really know Duffy's gender) competition included Sheryl Crow, The Eagles, and James Taylor. I think I just threw up in my mouth. And that's about the dumbest album-artist name combo I could ever imagine seeing. Who the hell is Duffy?!? And what the hell is a rockferry???

- Best Dance Recording: "Harder Better Faster Stronger" - Daft Punk
I realize this song was everywhere this year, but it's EIGHT YEARS OLD!!! No, seriously. It is. I can't believe they're counting live albums. Wait... what's that? The album was Alive 2007?? That's so interesting. How you can, like... skip years and it's not a problem. Give it to "Ready For The Floor" by Hot Chip!! Now THAT'S a dance recording with an even better video!

- Best Rock Performance by Duo/Group: "Sex On Fire" - Kings Of Leon
I didn't realize NME was handing out the awards tonight. Oh well, it's not like Radiohead was in this category or anything. They were? Are you sure? Ok... so just so we're clear, based on tonight, KOL > Radiohead? Awesome.

- Best Rock Album: Viva La Vida... - Coldplay
Is it ok to like Coldplay again? Whatever, I'm alright with it. Do your thing, Coldplay.

- Best Alternative Music Album: In Rainbows - Radiohead
Finally something to be happy about! This is an historically great category with deserving winners (Radiohead have won twice in the past for OK Computer and Kid A).

- Best Female R&B Vocal Performance: "Superwoman" - Alicia Keys
Do people still like Alicia Keys? I feel like she's been around forevvvvver. Ugh. Move aside and give someone else a chance. Jazmine Sullivan... if you're not busy attacking some dude's windshield, howsabout you take a swing?

- Best Male R&B Vocal Performance AND Best R&B Song: "Miss Independent" - Ne-Yo
Good win. Could've seen Male Performance go to Chris Brown for "Take You Down." You know... if he hadn't assaulted Rihanna earlier in the day. Yeesh. Calm yourself child.

- Best R&B Album: Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson
Don't even know if it's the best of these albums. Don't care. This was the right winner.

- Best Rap Solo Performance: "A Milli" - Lil' Wayne
Considering that this song somehow didn't get nominated for Record of the Year, it had BETTER have won this category! I can't wait to actually go back and watch the awards ceremony, just to see every shot with Lil' Wayne. That man needs a TV show. Like, yesterday. Mainly so someone can document how many songs he actually records in a year. 300 wouldn't surprise me at all. In fact, that would be an excellent consulting interview question. "Approximately how many songs was Lil' Wayne a part of in 2008?" Let's get this implemented immediately.

- Best Rap Performance by a Duo/Group: "Swagga Like Us" - T.I., Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne, and Kanye West
I like this song. I really do. And this was a tough category. And I could've been happy with either "Put On" or "Mr. Carter" as well. But the best song in this group was, without question, "Royal Flush" by Big Boi, Raekwon, and Andre 3000. And especially Andre 3000. He KILLS his verse!

- Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: "American Boy" - Estelle and Kanye West
I think the fact that this category exists is proof... making these golden gramophones is too easy. Of course, I also think it's a travesty that a song with an opening line of "I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money right now to the VIP section!" can't win a Grammy. The more things change, the more they stay the same...

- Best Rap Song: "Lollipop" - Lil' Wayne
It probably took about 15 listens for me to finally come around on this song, and by listen 25, I was tired of hearing it. Luckily, radio stations played it non-stop for about 3 months. Would've liked to see Lupe grab one for "Superstar," but what're you going to do? Be more disappointed? Not sure if that's possible.

- Best Rap Album: Tha Carter III - Lil' Wayne
Duh.

Which leads nicely into the GRAND FINALE! And the Grammy for the big big big award goes to...

- Best Album of the Year: Tha Carter III - Lil' Wayne
See? Doesn't it look right?!? Shouldn't we be okay with picking a rap album as the album of the year when it's clearly better than EVERY other choice that's available? I mean, I love Radiohead. And I think In Rainbows is a phenomenal album. But I really believe that Tha Carter III was better. Maybe not critically, maybe not even commercially (that would be an interesting statistic), and probably not even musically... but Lil' Wayne owned 2008. He was everywhere. And he deserved to be on that stage tonight for the big award. And instead we had to see Robert Plant (who I respect) and Allison Kraus (ditto). And there's a good chance that Please Read The Letter is a good album. It's possibly great. But I don't know a single person who's heard it.

The big story leading up to the Grammys this year was about how relevant it was becoming. "Look at who's nominated! That's great! People will actually watch!" And people did watch. Hoping to see something a little different. And they didn't.

Oh well... at least the Oscar's are coming up...