You've Got To Be Kidding...

No. Fucking. Way. This girl? Again? Really?!?! I have no idea how long Microsoft has been running this manipulative piece of communist propoganda, but I do know that I'll be watching it until at least October 22nd. Just when you think your world is free of cute, tiny Asian girls named Kylie, Microsoft is RIGHT THERE to completely shatter your life and melt away your heart! There are an unending number of things that are completely infuriating about these 30 seconds of marketing mind-control, but a few jump out:

1. Still no parents? Has this girl been fending for herself with a PC for the past year and a half?? Hopefully she at least has some badass games like Number Munchers. That game was legit.
   
2. She talks about finding "happy words" all over her "dad's" computer but then can't even pronounce the word responsive. And she doesn't just mispronounce it... she somehow twists the word so badly/cutely that it triggers an entirely uncontrollable and unconscious feeling of happiness all over! What the hell?!!?!
3. The cute little Asian girl wasn't enough, was it Microsoft? Nope. She needs to make a slide show with kitties and bunnies and unicorns. They're determined to make you vomit sunshine and shit rainbows! And by the way, talk about your one-trick ponies... LEARN SOME OTHER SOFTWARE! Maybe make an Excel spreadsheet and do something worthwhile, like track the number of hours you've been unsupervised for the last year. Christ!
   
4. Adding "Final Countdown" as the background music was a sly touch, Microsoft. You rope in ladies with the cuteness and then BAM! The most revered stadium rock song of all-time starts blaring. Your juxstaposition confused me. Touche.

I think we can all agree... this is an insufferable ad campaign that must be stopped. I encourage everyone to write letters to their congressmen/women, boycott Microsoft, and scowl at every Asian child you see. Together, we can make it through October 22nd.

Big Problems with Little Kids

For as long as I can remember, there have been 2 basic principles of (successful) advertising: physical humor and good-looking people. So what the hell is going on with all these damn kids?? Two companies that advertised heavily during the NCAA tournament this past weekend were Microsoft and Chevrolet. And wouldn't you know it? They had cute little kids peddling their products.



Jesus Microsoft... where should I start? Maybe we'll begin with how dumb you think I am, because you're obviously insulting my (albeit average) intelligence with this commercial. You really want me to believe that a 4.5 year-old did all that without anyone's help? And speaking of help, where are the parents? Even if I believed for a second that this kid was smart enough to edit her photos on a computer (I don't), why is she sending an email to her parents? Are they really gone that often?? I don't even see a grandparent or a babysitter in the picture! Nope... just a small child climbing up and down a chair, surrounded by sharp table edges and a computer power-cord cable. Way to promote hands-off, let-the-computer-do-all-the-work parenting. And clearly, Microsoft could care less about perpetuating the stereotype of Asian kids being smart at science and technology. Can white kids use Microsoft? What about black kids? God forbid a Native American or Hispanic child can get on a computer commercial! And, maybe this is crossing the line... but she doesn't even seem that smart. Clearly, the producers walked her through every step, because she couldn't even remember words like "connector cable" or "USB port." What is she talking about when she says "thingy" and "this" and "there?" The point of a commercial is to sell something, right? A little bit of detail goes a long way, Kylie. Get your shit together. Same goes for you, Microsoft. You've got a $300 million advertising budget and this is what comes out. Simply astounding.


No wonder American car companies are in the toilet... Howie Long and a spoiled brat of a kid are supposed to make me want to buy your car? Not the best marketing strategy. And let's be honest, the way Maggie is talking, she wouldn't be caught dead in a Chevy. If I had to guess, this girl won't settle for anything less than a BMW. Anyone who talks back to an adult like that has never been disciplined. Ever. Howie compliments her right off the bat, calling her a "smart little girl," and what does she do? Fires right back, hands on her hips, about how she's a big girl. Sorry Maggie, but you're a little girl. A little, spoiled, bratty girl that'll probably walk all over people your whole life until one day, you come to the sudden realization that you have no friends and your family is tired of making excuses for your failures. You're already on the fast track to failure by jumping in bed with Chevy. Hey, it's not like I want to be right about this...