BREAKING NEWS: Beating Women = Bad for Career!!

In what almost everyone would consider shocking news, Chris Brown's upcoming "Fan Appreciation" tour is having trouble selling tickets. Crazy! I can't believe that people wouldn't want to see an abusive, entitled man-child play average songs that came out a long time ago!! You'd think people would be lining up for the chance to hear "Transform Ya" (and maybe, if you're lucky, leave without a black eye). And if he was having trouble with ticket sales before, Rihanna's recent appearances on Good Morning America and 20/20 might cause him to... hmmm, I don't know. If I was Chris Brown and Rihanna made me mad, what would I do?? Gee, there are so many options... I guess I could call her up and have a conversation in which I was apologetic and sincere. We could go to dinner and discuss the situation like adults. Or maybe we could go for a drive somewhere...

The Chris Brown Situation

Can we please just settle something? Because it's been bothering me for a while and this blog was down for a long time and I don't feel like I ever got a chance to say it. But recent events have rekindled a fire, and I just need to get it off my chest:

Chris Brown is a chode.


I mean, look at him! Sure, you could make fun of his atrocious choice of Carolina blue, the fact that he almost looks asleep while being interviewed by Larry Fucking King, or that bowtie (really, a bowtie?). But clearly, none of those reasons adequately explain why Chris Brown is such a chode. If you had the unfortunate inclination to actually watch the interview yesterday, I feel sorry for you. If you didn't get a chance, let me summarize:

Larry King: Obviously this was a horrible incident. What do you remember from that night?
Chode Brown: Man, it was like, oh my God. I can't believe this. It's all so crazy to me. Like, wow.
Larry: So you're saying you don't remember?
Attorney + Mom: He already answered that. Next question.

So he's, uhhh, clearly learned his lesson? He's not going to hit another woman? Really?

A defense I've actually heard a surprising number of people argue is that "He's just a young kid who's made a mistake. How much do you want him to suffer? Do you really never want him to make music again? Let's just move on." I'd like to address each one of those statements/questions:

1. "He's just a young kid" - He's not that young, but all right. I'm reasonable. I will grant that he is, in fact, a kid (technically speaking).
2. "[He's] made a mistake" - a.) this isn't the first time it's happened, so that singular noun needs to get the hell out and b.) yes, he's made a mistake. I think we can all agree that he's made a really, really big mistake that any normal person would be punished for.
3. "How much do you want him to suffer?" - Come on! That makes me sound mean! I don't want the guy to suffer, but something should happen, given that he "punched [Rihanna] in the left eye. He then drove away and continued to punch her in the face … caus[ing] her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle*" Mike Vick went to prison for two years... Chris Brown has 6 months of community service and 5 years of probation. His sentence is basically what most good people do every day. Congrats.
4. "Do you really never want him to make music again?" - I mean, he's a pretty good singer, and I like some of his songs. But is the world that much worse of a place without Chris Brown's music? Probably not. Is the world a more depressing place with people who abuse women, don't go to jail, and have the opportunity to do the same thing again? Probably.
5. "Let's just move on."

And number 5 is the biggest reason why he's such a chode. He's getting a free pass to move on. Let's just imagine for a second that you had no idea who was involved in this police report. It boils down to a pretty simple truth: he beat the shit out of a girl. It doesn't matter that she's famous. It doesn't matter that he had a rough upbringing. It doesn't even matter that Rihanna didn't want to press charges. What matters is that he lost his temper and repeatedly, physically assaulted a girl. He isn't a victim of the media and he isn't someone we should feel bad for.

He's just a chode.

* From wwtdd.com